Terrible

Danger Mouse Reboot: “OH CRUMBS DM!”

Does he have to be?

Does he have to be?

Although not born in the time of airing of Danger Mouse I was exposed to it as a child and have always had a strange fascination and love for the characters and series as a whole. Now I’ve never been one to get too sentimental when companies reboot old franchises, I have learned to accept that no one involved with the handling of media can ever have a new idea (I’m pretty sure it’s a prerequisite for the job) and that by “rebooting” old shows and cashing in on people’s nostalgia they feel better about their own existence and convince themselves that they aren’t heartless bastards shredding every last inch of other peoples childhood memories. Okay I lied maybe it does bother me a bit. What’s worse is when they pretend that they’re doing it for “the kids”. “Oh we just think that since we enjoyed this so much as children it would be unfair not to let this generation experience it too.” If you really cared that fucking much then maybe you’d put some goddamn effort in for once and, Oh I don’t know, come up with an original show for them! Also if that is why companies reboot things then why not just show re-runs of the original show? Oh because it seem dated and “kids” might not be able to relate to it, well gosh how rude of the original not to keep up with modern fads, I mean it’s not like it was written for a completely different generation of people or something. Sorry I need to take a minute.

You can guess my shock and horror when I then found out that Danger Mouse, yes the 80’s cartoon series was getting a reboot. My heart sank faster than the Costa Concordia. I started to look a little bit into the plans they had and yes some of the voice actors do look promising and I am happy that they are attempting to diversify the cast with more female characters but a turd covered in glitter still stinks of shit, it just shines a little better under a lamp. Even the news the Stephan Fry was to join the cast couldn’t make me any happier about the project. I mean let’s be honest Danger Mouse isn’t exactly a unique concept, A mouse that’s a spy and goes on adventures, They could have just easily come up with new characters and scenarios based on a similar ideas but then they may have actually had to done some work or you know maybe hired a writer and they aren’t about to let that happen! Also name me one child out there that is excited for this to be a thing? Were there petitions and riots because children just couldn’t take not having a modern Danger Mouse? No! Because none of the little fuckers even know who he is and probably don’t give a shit either. It would be like your mother pulling out an old dusty suit that your grandfather used to wear before he died, brushing it off and making you wear it for the sole reason because your grandad liked to wear it, Yeah grandad also liked to live in houses with lead based paint and asbestos in the ceiling but I don’t see you bringing back either of those any time soon!

I guess it just saddens me that the only gem in the crown of British cartoons has now been cut down and flogged for spare change.

 

-Grand Pickle

 

What show(s) do you hope they never make a reboot/remake for? Or on the flipside are there any shows that you really wish they would make more of? Let me know in the comments and be sure to subscribe for more articles.

If they change any catchphrases I am going to choke a bitch.

If they change any catchphrases I am going to choke a bitch.

PicklePants’ not so much review, but major MAJOR rant- Every Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer film.

meet_the_spartans_xlg

“Watching one of Friedberg’s or Seltzer’s hideous monstrosities is like bowl surgery without pain killers.”

I’ve been going through a spat recently of watching films that are so bad they’re good, some could even rather ironically be dubbed a cult classic. Films such as Birdemic, Megashark Vs Giant Octopus, and sharknado fall into such a category. They are bad low budget, badly made, badly acted films, which know they’re crap and so don’t take themselves so seriously. In short, these films are just a bit of fun. Then there’s a Friedberg Seltzer film.

 

My original intention was to do a review of the “eagerly anticipated” Birdemic sequel, when by chance I happened to stumble across a film titled “Meet The Spartans.” This film has indeed been directed and produced by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer- the same people who brought Epic Movie, Disaster Movie and God knows how many other films with the name Movie in the title. Clearly there has been no creative expense spared in naming their works. Nevertheless these films, despite their varying focuses, all share one similar thread. They’re completely and utterly awful. Each film had little to nothing in the way of a coherent story, and did nothing more than out of context spoof references to other films, topping it off with gags that made a terminal illness look like a leading act on “Live at the Apollo.”

 

Taking this into account, I didn’t hold high (if any) expectations for Meet the Spartans, but still I tried to brave it. So on one particularly rainy day, I grabbed a packet of pickled onion Space Raiders crisps- that were reduced from one pound to a more competitive 75p, and fired up the film. I expected linear plot, crude and badly written jokes, and more inane out of context references than I could shake a Space Raider at. What I actually experienced was unrelentingly torturous 90 minuets of sheer eye and cranial agony. Watching this movie was like having my brain sodomized by Quasimodo’s afterbirth. Where do I begin with this truly dreadful excuse of a film? For starters, there was no plot. It was just a string of (surprise surprise) badly done movie references, terrible dialogue, all as expected and worse. I didn’t think it possible, but this movie really was everything I had expected and less. There were cheap jibes about famous celebrities, random ideas being pulled out of nowhere (which included imitation Judges of American Idol judging a man kicking a singer into a pit.) It really was a pile of bo**ocks. Every terribly acted word to fall from the casts mouths were strained and so unfunny, I wept as I thought of all the wonderful things I really could be doing with those precious 90 minuets rather than watch this tripe. Self harm and genital mutilation seemed preferable to this completely unbearable film. Not only were the spoofs bad, but also there was an abundance of awful product placement, which was gratuitously slapped into the film to try and make it funny. In Meet the Spartans I’m don’t think Friedberg and Seltzer were even trying. In one scene when they were describing the evil Xerxes emperor (which is stolen from the film 300) they cant even be arsed to describe him with any form of humorous wit. They instead sum him up by stating that “He looked like the fat guy from Borat.” Rest assured watching this film is a truly woeful experience.

 

My faith in the world has also dropped significantly since seeing this film when I heard that it was a financial success, grossing $80,000,000 in America and thus rendering it a huge success. Many of their sales came from people who saw the movie AND brought the DVD. Who would buy such a film? A film so bad it is ranked in IMDB’s list of “100 worst films ever made.” A film so bad that there have since been numerous petitions for the Director’s careers to end, some even going as far as to wish for them to die from Anal related illnesses!

 

My advice to anyone who is offered to see a film- If the names Jason Friedberg or Aaron Seltzer appear anywhere on the movie, run. Just run.

 

 

Verdict

 

Watching one of Friedberg’s or Seltzer’s hideous monstrosities is like bowl surgery without painkillers. Do not watch under pain of death.

 

0/5

 

Luke

Snakes: Mankind Has Found A New Enemy- Review

If you see this picture in stores (for F**K sake burn it.)

If you see this picture in stores (for F**K sake burn it.)

Snakes: Mankind has a new enemy-Review

Directed By Phillip Roth

 

“Watching this film is a bit like contracting herpes, no sod wants to.”

 

There are many painful things one can be subject to in this life. Things such as stepping on a plug, eardrum piercing injections, or being violated by a 60-year-old hooker wearing a leather studded strap-on. All, I’m sure, are unpleasant experiences. However, even such harrowing activities are but a picnic, when compared to watching this abomination of a film. I’m a student writer, and would like to think that I have a good few words at my disposal, but I am yet to even fabricate the phrases needed to describe this stratospherically appalling film. If you type the title of this film into Google, you will receive literally no results. There is not one trailer, movie review or profile about it. Not even a film screenshot. You see, this film is about as welcome in the cinema industry, as a sex offender is in a Primary school. Even IMDB wont touch it, that’s just how bad this movie is. Take it from me when I say this, Snakes isn’t a film that’s so bad it’s good it really is just bad. I wouldn’t wish this film on my worst enemy. Not even Piers Morgan.

 

Watching this film is a bit like contracting herpes, no sod wants to. Yet still, I did manage to finish the movie that, even whilst drunk, is a challenge not to walk away from. So here are what I believe to be the biggest of many reasons, as to why this film makes the latest Die Hard film look nothing short of a masterpiece.

 

Firstly the title. The movie is called “Snakes” which is plural and implies that there are many snakes that threaten mankind. There aren’t. In fact the story focuses on one giant genetically modified snake, which has broken loose in a military facility and is eating all and sundry. With a story like this you know you’re not going to get Shawshank Redemption, but they could’ve at least got the title right. I think it says a lot about the brains behind the operation of the movie, as well as the company who gave such a film the go-ahead. The director must have been a genius, managing to pitch this fecal specimen of a movie to a board who turned to the director and said, “Yes this is going to be a good film. Here is some money.”

 

The story. As already mentioned, it is a simple plot concerning a giant GM snake that wreaks havoc in a military base. How did it get there? By a military aircraft getting shot down, and the snakes container being carried off for research. The snake is let loose and it kills everyone. A small group of survivors made up of a few soldiers, a clever scientist, and a hot woman with no real purpose being there, try to kill the snake (I know right? It’s so original..) In the end all but the scientist and hot woman with no real purpose being there, manage to kill the snake and the film abruptly ends, which comes as something of a relief. Now I know I have just spoilt the film, by disclosing the ending, but you really should thank me. I’ve saved you from an hour and a half of woeful torment, bad acting and hideous hideous special effects. You now have an hour and a half of life with which you can achieve great things, whereas I have squandered my share. Think of what I could’ve done with that time. Started a novel, written a poem, gone out and met the woman of my dreams, I could’ve had a fantastic wank, or visited my relatives. No. Instead I watched Mankind’s real enemy, and it turns out to be in the form of a DVD.

 

CGI. The computer-animated special effects were so wretched; they made old footage of Hitler’s speeches look cutting edge. The snake itself looks like it has come from those old snes consoles. It looks even worse when it attacks people, looking about as convincing as Josef Fritzl’s defense lawyer. These bad graphics also have a determent effect on the continuity in the film. In one scene where the container is opened and the snake is let loose (because for some reason they thought that it was a good idea,) you can’t help but notice the container is far smaller than the size of the snake. One can only presume the container is a sort of Tardis. Regardless, inaccuracies like these are abundant.

 

The acting throughout the film is, surprise surprise, dreadful. Mind you, it isn’t really their fault when the people writing for their characters cant even get the name of the film right. The military crew is dull and uninteresting, the scientist is irritating, and the hot woman with no real purpose being there adds nothing to the story. Not even in the cliché way of love interest. She isn’t even really attractive, lets face it, if you found out that the actress you were talking to starred in this bollocks, you’d avoid her like the plague for having such terrible judgment.

 

Verdict

 

Do I really need a verdict? Probably not, I think I’ve made my point so I’ll conclude with this-

 

If you see this film in stores don’t even hesitate, just run. Leave the kids behind it’s too late for them, they’ll fend for themselves. I can’t possibly stress enough how bad this film is. If I were forced to choose between being violated by an STI ridden 60yr old hooker and her studded strap-on, or watch this film again, my pants would be down my ankles before you could say, “anal bleaching.”

 

-220,678,000 kelvin/5

(I know Kelvin is to do with temperature but I needed something to emphasise how low the score is for this dire piece of hell.)

 

More evidence of just how hideous this film is can be found on the reverse cover (If you dare to even pick it up in public.)

More evidence of just how hideous this film is can be found on the reverse cover (If you dare to even pick it up in public.)

Hero Siege, A Review

Hero Siege is the first outing for Panic Art Studios, It sells itself as a Hack ‘n’ slash with heavy rogue-like element with randomly generated levels and some player customisation but in my opinion fails to deliver in almost every category.

I know hats are funny in TF2 but c'mon!

I know hats are funny in TF2 but c’mon!

The game on the surface looks like it was going to be similar to the game Rogue Legacy (Which btw is possibly my favourite Indie game ever) so I was very excited to play this when I first caught wind of it. Now my views may be slightly biased and some of you may think it unfair that I compare this game to others rather than judge it on its own merits but that becomes seriously hard when the games are so similar.

The makers of this game Panic Art Studios were actually very helpful with answering my questions when  I spoke with them so I do feel slightly bad when I say that I dislike their game but honestly I tried my hardest to make myself like this game but it just didn’t happen. The team behind this game had previously only made 2 games for the Appstore and Google play and my god does it show! The controls are very basic and there is’nt much skill involved in playing this game. When playing I found that if you just looped the AI just tries to follow you so you can line them all up in a straight line and just blast them away, I actually died more in this game trying to get traps to kill enemies and backfiring on me then actual enemy damage. This game is way too easy! If you are going to venture into the PC indie gaming universe there are 2 things you’re going to need to know;

Who knew every enemy in the horde would explode?

Who knew every enemy in the horde would explode?

1) We like our games hard as fucking balls!           2) We love pixel art

Now even though this game has a pixel art feel I would in no way call it art. Pixel art for any art fans out there is all about simplicity, making the most of out of the least, seeing a portrait in a single block. This game however just kind of feels empty and already done.

That’s the other thing, the enemies just seem uninspired and a bit lazy it’s like they sat around and said “Guys what’s the most generic enemy?” “Umm skeletons and rats?” “Great now instead of doing any form of editing for higher levels of those enemies let’s just change their palette!” and everyone screams genius! Maybe I should cut them a break seeing as the game was made by just 3 people, some of you might be saying and I reply NO! Why should that matter? Super meat boy was made by 2 guys, Indie games don’t have massive teams but what good ones do is innovate and perfect. This game did neither.

Oh no a spider! Run Ms Muffet!

Oh no a spider! Run Ms Muffet!

The level design is pretty boring too, There are different themed levels and granted they are still working on the final level to be released but they all just kind of feel empty and the same and don’t even get me started on the poor excuse of randomly generated dungeons used in this game! When done correctly randomly generated dungeons can be brilliant however the extent to which this game goes is basically just moving traps around and placing a few box’s on the other side of the screen. It’s laughable.

They claim the inspiration for this game was taken from Diablo and The binding of Isaac, does it show? Absolutely not other than the camera angle is similar to Isaac’s.

Teslagrad ,which I covered last week so go read it if you haven’t yet, took 2 and 1/2 years to make. Hero Siege took 6 months and they had half the size team and It is glaringly obvious that they didn’t take enough time to make this game. It feels like something someone might play on their phone a few times if it was free then put it down and never open it again and yet they ask for £5.99 for the game on PC!

In conclusion I do not think this game is even worth your time as there are much better games out there that do the same thing only on a much higher level. 2/10 don’t waste your time.