rant

The problem with Essays

As accustomed as I am to the existence of essays I’m still, as most are, vehemently opposed to writing them. There’s so much to hate about them that you’re not quite sure which aspect to despise most (bit like heart FM or the works of shakespeare.) But among the word counts, forced sentences, questions that make no sense, tedious footnote adjustments, and bibliography struggles, there is one aspect that really makes my blood boil. And that’s reading critiques on writers, that have been written by critics. I have never read anything like it. If my eyes could puke they would. Never have I seen such deluded and forced use of unnecessarily elongated language in my life. The sheer thesaurus abuse has made these thinly disguised pieces of horse s**t utterly incoherent. It is truly reprehensible. These people squeeze as many words into a sentence as they can to try and sound as intelligent as possible, it’s tragic really as it actually makes them sound like a tosser. I’ve been forced to read pieces so bad, they make you want to get a gun from the drawer, load it, put it back in the drawer, and then write a strongly worded letter to the publishing authority that sanctioned these atrocities to be printed. Here is one such a line on Angela Carter to show what I mean-
“Carter stages her audacious forays into a radical interrogation of the tortuous processes through which notions of identity, relation, power and historical embodiment came into being.”
What a load of wank. Just look how they forced all those long words in. You can picture them stopping and thinking as they write this drivel “Hmmm-ten words to mean ‘explore’-ten words,ten word ten wor- where’s my thesaurus? I need to make my work sound more intellectual.” It is truly reprehensible. You can picture them feeling so pleased with themselves as they use the phase “Bob perambulated with such volositous authority into the uncharted depths of confined trade and obsequious capitalism bearing no identity” to replace “Bob walked quickly to the corner shop.” I bet they stand there, thesaurus open, pen poised rubbling their nipples like Kreager on LSD, excited at the prospect of ruining the lives of students across the Country with their pretentious, meaningless shite. The example above however, pales in comparison to this next one. This one makes absolutely no sense, and is what i would call a prime example of pretentious crap at its finest. Check this out, it is really is the last nail in the f***ing coffin-
“There can be little doubt that the spark-breathing prodigy of polychormos fleese and protean anatomy that is Carter’s revision of the classic fairy tale yields unsurpassed synthesis of the writers most distinctive powers.”
I mean piss right off! If I put *THAT* in an essay i would be immediately failed. This doesn’t even make sense!! It reads like a Taiwanese to English instruction manual for a knocked off electric dildo- and worse! It totally undermines the point of these critiques. They’re there to educate you. To help you understand the workings of a writer. However these have received such a pretentious helping of thesaurus abuse that the work is now meaningless! I might as well use these books as a doorstop or a novelty hat, which brings to question what the hell the point was writing them in the first place?
If I buy a cream bun. I eat the cream bun. I don’t try and assist in childbirth with it. I don’t try and use it to play a DVD. So what on earth are these people thinking when they were doing their critiques? Because they’re certainly not critiquing writers. They’re making lubricated holes in dictionaries and f***ing them, before making old muggins here have to read the proceeds from their sticky, noun filled orgy!
On a lighter note, I’ve got a soft boiled egg with toasted soldiers for lunch!

Danger Mouse Reboot: “OH CRUMBS DM!”

Does he have to be?

Does he have to be?

Although not born in the time of airing of Danger Mouse I was exposed to it as a child and have always had a strange fascination and love for the characters and series as a whole. Now I’ve never been one to get too sentimental when companies reboot old franchises, I have learned to accept that no one involved with the handling of media can ever have a new idea (I’m pretty sure it’s a prerequisite for the job) and that by “rebooting” old shows and cashing in on people’s nostalgia they feel better about their own existence and convince themselves that they aren’t heartless bastards shredding every last inch of other peoples childhood memories. Okay I lied maybe it does bother me a bit. What’s worse is when they pretend that they’re doing it for “the kids”. “Oh we just think that since we enjoyed this so much as children it would be unfair not to let this generation experience it too.” If you really cared that fucking much then maybe you’d put some goddamn effort in for once and, Oh I don’t know, come up with an original show for them! Also if that is why companies reboot things then why not just show re-runs of the original show? Oh because it seem dated and “kids” might not be able to relate to it, well gosh how rude of the original not to keep up with modern fads, I mean it’s not like it was written for a completely different generation of people or something. Sorry I need to take a minute.

You can guess my shock and horror when I then found out that Danger Mouse, yes the 80’s cartoon series was getting a reboot. My heart sank faster than the Costa Concordia. I started to look a little bit into the plans they had and yes some of the voice actors do look promising and I am happy that they are attempting to diversify the cast with more female characters but a turd covered in glitter still stinks of shit, it just shines a little better under a lamp. Even the news the Stephan Fry was to join the cast couldn’t make me any happier about the project. I mean let’s be honest Danger Mouse isn’t exactly a unique concept, A mouse that’s a spy and goes on adventures, They could have just easily come up with new characters and scenarios based on a similar ideas but then they may have actually had to done some work or you know maybe hired a writer and they aren’t about to let that happen! Also name me one child out there that is excited for this to be a thing? Were there petitions and riots because children just couldn’t take not having a modern Danger Mouse? No! Because none of the little fuckers even know who he is and probably don’t give a shit either. It would be like your mother pulling out an old dusty suit that your grandfather used to wear before he died, brushing it off and making you wear it for the sole reason because your grandad liked to wear it, Yeah grandad also liked to live in houses with lead based paint and asbestos in the ceiling but I don’t see you bringing back either of those any time soon!

I guess it just saddens me that the only gem in the crown of British cartoons has now been cut down and flogged for spare change.

 

-Grand Pickle

 

What show(s) do you hope they never make a reboot/remake for? Or on the flipside are there any shows that you really wish they would make more of? Let me know in the comments and be sure to subscribe for more articles.

If they change any catchphrases I am going to choke a bitch.

If they change any catchphrases I am going to choke a bitch.

Broforce: Testosterone Fueled Carnage!

 

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Previously I have spoken about early-access games and one in particular I highlighted was Broforce. Finally I got my hands on the game and after playing for even just a few minutes I was hooked and just had to share my thoughts with other people. This game is some sort of potion of awesome with dashes of humour and charm but with a whole heap of napalm and adrenalin!

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The game itself plays out like your conventional platformer, going from left to right (mostly) and has incredibly tight controls which a game like this so desperately needs so that when you die you have no one to blame but yourself. The action element is where the gameplay shines with each bro playing differently which adds a sense of strategy into the run and gun shoot-em-up, Enemies are varied and progressively change as the campaign (which isn’t complete at the time of this article) moves forward. Boss fights are fun and help give you that feeling of accomplishment at the end of stages as well as force you to really use your experience with all the different bros to beat them as some can only be killed in certain ways.

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I love this art style! I have always been a fan of pixel art and games that do it well just make me melt inside. This game evaporates me. The characters are distinct and easy to recognise which is a feat in itself but coupled with the different environments and enemies it just makes it seem that much more cared for. Oh and speaking of environments, they are fully destructible! At first it seems funny but again its these little details that add depth to the game. It allows you to create your own path through the levels but on the flipside it can also become your downfall if you abuse it too much to the point where there is no floor left to stand on. The stages themselves get harder as the game moves forward so their isn’t some massive jump in difficulty nor is this game a cake-walk it finds a nice balance and if you can’t beat a level it doesn’t dumb it down or take it easy it just sits back and lets you keep repeating till you get it. Same with multiplayer and single player. Playing with friends while much more fun and enjoyable also can make the game easier as each level has the same amount of enemies as if you played single player. Not to say single player isn’t fun, far from it, it’s a great way to get to know the game and really progress and see what the game has to offer. I would say multiplayer = funnier not anymore fun.

Now for the part that makes this game what it is. The bros. The care and detail that has gone into every single sprite and character move set really blows your mind, especially when they are always updating the game with new bros, heck even while preparing this article an update came out adding another two more! Each character feels different and unique and really impact how you play the game. Each character is balanced well almost right off the bat which is excellent for when the game is updated because the new characters just slot right in there with the others you’ve collected. The addition of female bros will be seen by some as funny and as others by pleasing a demographic but I really don’t think that the case. Each bro has been designed specifically from the ground up, they will have been chosen not just for how recognisable a character they are but for their strengths and weaknesses and how they can add something new to the game.

This game is currently on a weekend sale on steam for £7.99 but if you go to humblebundle.com you can get it on sale for £5.99 and help charitable organizations at the same time and even when not on sale is cheaper than on steam normally. I can’t stress enough how much love I have for this game and could go on for hours ranting about it but instead I will just say go and get it and you will understand.

Im not going to give the game a rating as It isn’t actually finished but even if it were even in its current state It would get at least a 7/10. My prediction for when it finally releases will be more like 9/10.

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Thank you for reading!

-Joe

Watch Dogs Impressions – Not an Anne Robinson in sight!

bannar

 

Greetings everyone! sorry for the late upload but I have been incredibly busy trying to get as much done in this game as I could before I wrote about it and believe you me there is a hell of a lot to do.

Right, Firstly Im gunna talk about this games launch on the PC and most of it might just be technical rubbish etc so if that doesn’t interest you or if you have it on another console then feel free to move on. This game had an incredibly mixed launch with some peoples games not even loading up or instantly crashing while others had absolutely no trouble at all and then again thousands more on the spectrum in between. Fortunately for me  I only experienced some very small bug issues that didn’t really affect my game but I wouldn’t be doing my job right if I didn’t tell you all the details. First off Ubisoft have announced that they are patching the game and have said that at some point this week they will have released a patch that should (in theory) resolve a lot of issues for a lot of people. What really worries me though is this isn’t the only time this has happened even this year, where a hugely hyped up and publicised game fails at launch, just look at Battlefield 4 and Titanfall on their launches to see what I mean and it looks like this is going to become the norm. Almost like a rite of passage. However saying that there are some things that distinguish this case from the others. Where most of the other games were down to rushed deadlines, poor ports to other consoles and not enough servers Watchdogs fell because they tried a little too hard. Now some of you are probably thinking “Da fuq?” but let me explain. The reason why only the Pc version of the game is flawed isn’t because Ubisoft made a bad port from the console its actually because the Pc version isn’t a port at all. They attempted to optimise PC users experience by creating they’re version from scratch pretty much but the key word there is optimise. That’s the main problem people have been receiving, the game isn’t optimised for most drivers and graphics cards. Not to bore you with details (unless I have already) but this sucks. It means that even those who can play it relatively bug free (like me) can’t experience the full graphics and speed of the game It also means that to be able to play the game on max settings you’re going to have to fork out a lot of money! personally this whole debacle has been kind of bitter sweet (but more bitter than sweet) as even though it is littered with bugs it also shows that the developers tried to take time and think about the PC gamers rather than just do the easy thing and port it however they clearly bit of more than they could chew.

Right ramble over! now to the actual game. This game is a lot of fun despite what people will have you believe. Missions types are varied but with the length and size of the game do get repetitive after a while. Unlike games such as Assassins creed where the puzzle sections feel kinda clunky and out of place the puzzle sections here are incredibly well done with a large number of obstacles having multiple ways of doing them. It’s the type of game where you can really play how you want to form run and gun to stealthy and tactical. You can even go the entire game without killing a single enemy (however that proves hella difficult!) however I have yet to discover If how you play impacts the story or environment because (as I said) this game is huge! The size of the city is impressive and I honestly didn’t expect it to be as big as it is due to the type of game it struck me as not only that but there are so many side quests and other little things to do which reading an interview with the developers are seemingly endless as they are randomly generated and found by simply hacking people on the street. Gameplay feels good and other than the odd occasion Aiden (the main character) controls very well. The city itself feels alive especially with the little details you find out about every NPC in passing.

The game is tactical and will have you using your brain to get around certain objectives, especially those involving enemies. Aiden isn’t a tank of a computer game character and can only take so much damage, not only that but when you are damaged you slow down and even some times limp meaning that you really need to strategise especially because the game has several different enemy types that react and work in different ways. Speaking of the AI they have been for me one of the most impressive things about this game. They actually try and fight you as a unit and will constantly try and flank you and out manoeuvre you on foot or in car. They react to their surroundings like they are supposed meaning you need to keep moving if you want to keep them guessing where you are. You can distract them with hacking and even set traps and ambushes for them. What’s more is that the enemies react to other enemies, the gangs and police react to one another, meaning if you can make enough noise that the police come while you’re in a fight for your life with another gang you can slip out undetected while they have a gun fight. It’s great because it means that it always offers you a challenge as there is no one mode of attack that works every time making you have to re assess and try out different ways to succeed.

This isn’t a review really and I apologise for lack of pictures but because I can’t capture at the optimum resolution I thought it best to simply give my experience and views rather than a definitive score review. I will however say that if all the bugs are fixed then this game would definitely be well worth the money and time to play it.  But for now I would say hold off on buying it for the PC for maybe a month or two. But if you have a PS4 or XBOX ONE then I urge you to get this game now as its exactly the kind of next gen game that people have been waiting for. Let me know what you thought of the game or any issues you’ve had with it in the comments and make sure to like and share!

 

 

-Joe

Suits, more Rant less Review

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This week I fancied a change from the usual game review so have decided to have a little rant about one of my favourite television shows which recently finished its third season. If you haven’t guessed it by the title I am talking about the show Suits. Suits Is one of those shows that most people haven’t heard of or seen but those that have can’t sing its praises enough. Just to give you a brief synopsis Its about a guy named Mike who, while running from the police, stumbles into a job interview for one of the biggest law firms in New York. To hide from the police Mike pretends to be one of the candidates and sits in the interview where he really impresses Harvey Spectre by showing of his eidetic memory (Photographic memory) and gets hired, despite not attending law school the show follows the cases and life of Mike and Harvey as they try to not only make a shit ton of cash but also cover up Mike’s lie and avoid other complications in their firm.

Louis Litt at his most profound

Louis Litt at his most profound

The story lines of the show are brilliant and frequently have a sherlockesqueness (Yeah I just made up a word, what of it?) about them in the way that they get resolved, or sometimes don’t. Like all shows even though most episodes have their own plot there are also larger more complex sub -plots that eventually culminate in a few episodes in a row. Now some of the acting in the show isn’t exactly Oscar worthy, especially near the beginning, but it does pick up significantly as the show goes on with much more dynamic plots and also much more back story to a lot of characters.

The dialogue however is where I think this show really shines with nostalgic references and witty banter the show perfectly straddles drama and comedy which makes the pacing of the show near perfect in my opinion. It never feels that something is dragging on or maybe getting a bit too serious by seamlessly switching between tones. Mike and Harvey’s relationship epitomizes what the show is about and is such a joy to watch and will frequently have you both smiling and on the edge of your seat.

The characters themselves are something to behold each with their own quirks and traits that make them individuals. The relationships of the characters is fantastic and their interactions feel real and genuine and a lot of the time you will forget that the people you are watching are actors rather than the people they are playing. Harvey is conveyed mostly as an egotistical pig who hates to lose but he also has an unshakable moral grounding which makes for a really interesting character to watch especially when he needs reminding of himself from his secretary Donna (who by the way is my joint favourite character up alongside Harvey’s rival/best friend/I don’t know what they are anymore Louis Litt) who is acts mostly as Harvey’s conscious and guardian angel.

Donna telling it like it is.

Donna telling it like it is.

Im trying not to spoil anything for anyone that hasn’t watched it So I will try to be as vague as possible but there is something that the fans of the show will all be thinking about and that is the ending of series three. Despite being a huge bombshell moment it gives a nod to the first episode by directly referencing one of the first conversations between Harvey and Mike which I think was a genius move as it shows fans that they do know what they’re doing and that things won’t change as much as we worry they might. I actually like the new direction that they are going to try and after reading through interviews with the show’s creator Aaron Korsh my mind has been put at ease on some of the worries that I did have and I think it will allow for the show to have a longer life span  on our televisions than had they not done it.

Anyway that’s all from me and my opinions on the show, leave a comment with your opinion on the series and please like and share the page with all your friends! Thanks for reading.

 

You're damn right Harvey!

You’re damn right Harvey!

 

 

-Joe