If you see this picture in stores (for F**K sake burn it.)
Snakes: Mankind has a new enemy-Review
Directed By Phillip Roth
“Watching this film is a bit like contracting herpes, no sod wants to.”
There are many painful things one can be subject to in this life. Things such as stepping on a plug, eardrum piercing injections, or being violated by a 60-year-old hooker wearing a leather studded strap-on. All, I’m sure, are unpleasant experiences. However, even such harrowing activities are but a picnic, when compared to watching this abomination of a film. I’m a student writer, and would like to think that I have a good few words at my disposal, but I am yet to even fabricate the phrases needed to describe this stratospherically appalling film. If you type the title of this film into Google, you will receive literally no results. There is not one trailer, movie review or profile about it. Not even a film screenshot. You see, this film is about as welcome in the cinema industry, as a sex offender is in a Primary school. Even IMDB wont touch it, that’s just how bad this movie is. Take it from me when I say this, Snakes isn’t a film that’s so bad it’s good it really is just bad. I wouldn’t wish this film on my worst enemy. Not even Piers Morgan.
Watching this film is a bit like contracting herpes, no sod wants to. Yet still, I did manage to finish the movie that, even whilst drunk, is a challenge not to walk away from. So here are what I believe to be the biggest of many reasons, as to why this film makes the latest Die Hard film look nothing short of a masterpiece.
Firstly the title. The movie is called “Snakes” which is plural and implies that there are many snakes that threaten mankind. There aren’t. In fact the story focuses on one giant genetically modified snake, which has broken loose in a military facility and is eating all and sundry. With a story like this you know you’re not going to get Shawshank Redemption, but they could’ve at least got the title right. I think it says a lot about the brains behind the operation of the movie, as well as the company who gave such a film the go-ahead. The director must have been a genius, managing to pitch this fecal specimen of a movie to a board who turned to the director and said, “Yes this is going to be a good film. Here is some money.”
The story. As already mentioned, it is a simple plot concerning a giant GM snake that wreaks havoc in a military base. How did it get there? By a military aircraft getting shot down, and the snakes container being carried off for research. The snake is let loose and it kills everyone. A small group of survivors made up of a few soldiers, a clever scientist, and a hot woman with no real purpose being there, try to kill the snake (I know right? It’s so original..) In the end all but the scientist and hot woman with no real purpose being there, manage to kill the snake and the film abruptly ends, which comes as something of a relief. Now I know I have just spoilt the film, by disclosing the ending, but you really should thank me. I’ve saved you from an hour and a half of woeful torment, bad acting and hideous hideous special effects. You now have an hour and a half of life with which you can achieve great things, whereas I have squandered my share. Think of what I could’ve done with that time. Started a novel, written a poem, gone out and met the woman of my dreams, I could’ve had a fantastic wank, or visited my relatives. No. Instead I watched Mankind’s real enemy, and it turns out to be in the form of a DVD.
CGI. The computer-animated special effects were so wretched; they made old footage of Hitler’s speeches look cutting edge. The snake itself looks like it has come from those old snes consoles. It looks even worse when it attacks people, looking about as convincing as Josef Fritzl’s defense lawyer. These bad graphics also have a determent effect on the continuity in the film. In one scene where the container is opened and the snake is let loose (because for some reason they thought that it was a good idea,) you can’t help but notice the container is far smaller than the size of the snake. One can only presume the container is a sort of Tardis. Regardless, inaccuracies like these are abundant.
The acting throughout the film is, surprise surprise, dreadful. Mind you, it isn’t really their fault when the people writing for their characters cant even get the name of the film right. The military crew is dull and uninteresting, the scientist is irritating, and the hot woman with no real purpose being there adds nothing to the story. Not even in the cliché way of love interest. She isn’t even really attractive, lets face it, if you found out that the actress you were talking to starred in this bollocks, you’d avoid her like the plague for having such terrible judgment.
Do I really need a verdict? Probably not, I think I’ve made my point so I’ll conclude with this-
If you see this film in stores don’t even hesitate, just run. Leave the kids behind it’s too late for them, they’ll fend for themselves. I can’t possibly stress enough how bad this film is. If I were forced to choose between being violated by an STI ridden 60yr old hooker and her studded strap-on, or watch this film again, my pants would be down my ankles before you could say, “anal bleaching.”
(I know Kelvin is to do with temperature but I needed something to emphasise how low the score is for this dire piece of hell.)
More evidence of just how hideous this film is can be found on the reverse cover (If you dare to even pick it up in public.)