Month: March 2015

The problem with Essays

As accustomed as I am to the existence of essays I’m still, as most are, vehemently opposed to writing them. There’s so much to hate about them that you’re not quite sure which aspect to despise most (bit like heart FM or the works of shakespeare.) But among the word counts, forced sentences, questions that make no sense, tedious footnote adjustments, and bibliography struggles, there is one aspect that really makes my blood boil. And that’s reading critiques on writers, that have been written by critics. I have never read anything like it. If my eyes could puke they would. Never have I seen such deluded and forced use of unnecessarily elongated language in my life. The sheer thesaurus abuse has made these thinly disguised pieces of horse s**t utterly incoherent. It is truly reprehensible. These people squeeze as many words into a sentence as they can to try and sound as intelligent as possible, it’s tragic really as it actually makes them sound like a tosser. I’ve been forced to read pieces so bad, they make you want to get a gun from the drawer, load it, put it back in the drawer, and then write a strongly worded letter to the publishing authority that sanctioned these atrocities to be printed. Here is one such a line on Angela Carter to show what I mean-
“Carter stages her audacious forays into a radical interrogation of the tortuous processes through which notions of identity, relation, power and historical embodiment came into being.”
What a load of wank. Just look how they forced all those long words in. You can picture them stopping and thinking as they write this drivel “Hmmm-ten words to mean ‘explore’-ten words,ten word ten wor- where’s my thesaurus? I need to make my work sound more intellectual.” It is truly reprehensible. You can picture them feeling so pleased with themselves as they use the phase “Bob perambulated with such volositous authority into the uncharted depths of confined trade and obsequious capitalism bearing no identity” to replace “Bob walked quickly to the corner shop.” I bet they stand there, thesaurus open, pen poised rubbling their nipples like Kreager on LSD, excited at the prospect of ruining the lives of students across the Country with their pretentious, meaningless shite. The example above however, pales in comparison to this next one. This one makes absolutely no sense, and is what i would call a prime example of pretentious crap at its finest. Check this out, it is really is the last nail in the f***ing coffin-
“There can be little doubt that the spark-breathing prodigy of polychormos fleese and protean anatomy that is Carter’s revision of the classic fairy tale yields unsurpassed synthesis of the writers most distinctive powers.”
I mean piss right off! If I put *THAT* in an essay i would be immediately failed. This doesn’t even make sense!! It reads like a Taiwanese to English instruction manual for a knocked off electric dildo- and worse! It totally undermines the point of these critiques. They’re there to educate you. To help you understand the workings of a writer. However these have received such a pretentious helping of thesaurus abuse that the work is now meaningless! I might as well use these books as a doorstop or a novelty hat, which brings to question what the hell the point was writing them in the first place?
If I buy a cream bun. I eat the cream bun. I don’t try and assist in childbirth with it. I don’t try and use it to play a DVD. So what on earth are these people thinking when they were doing their critiques? Because they’re certainly not critiquing writers. They’re making lubricated holes in dictionaries and f***ing them, before making old muggins here have to read the proceeds from their sticky, noun filled orgy!
On a lighter note, I’ve got a soft boiled egg with toasted soldiers for lunch!